Control. Jealousy. Narcissism. Toxicity. These tend to be the main “red flags” we understand as general warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. However, there are other insidious flags to be mindful of that can sit beneath the surface of these tendencies and are often justified as them “meaning well”. Equally important, there are green lights healthy people emit that can fall under the radar since red flags tend to take up so much focus. How can we know the difference between them and what is authentic? It all begins with awareness.
Let’s look at a few scenarios together to determine how to identify the green lights and red flags in relationships:
Relationship Scenario One:
In scenario one, you have been dating someone for a few months now and you hit it off from the start. They are charismatic, funny and witty. You usually have a blast together, yet you tend to be the one initiating contact and plans. After a few more weeks of noticing this pattern, you share with them that you would appreciate their initiative from time to time so that you can feel more considered. At first, they respond with defensiveness and express that being a lot of pressure early on. The more you talk through this together, they apologize and promise they will make more of an effort. You continue dating for a couple of more months and notice their efforts plateau after a handful of attempts. With much anxiety, self-doubt and hesitation, you decide to approach them with what you notice. They respond with more defensiveness and that you are difficult to please. They give you an ultimatum to either accept them for who they are or you part ways.
The Green Light and Red Flag in This Relationship:
Scenario one highlights your significant other’s strengths as personable until you communicate needing more effort. Your communication is a green light while their reactive deflection is a red flag. If someone is unwilling to meet your needs in relationship, this conveys a lack of balance and consideration. Healthy relationships are about give and take, so meeting in the middle is crucial for the relationship to thrive.
Relationship Scenario Two:
In scenario two, you and your partner have been dating for three years and decide to move-in together. Prior to sharing a home, you both did your best to balance time as a couple and time with your families and friends. However, within a few months of moving in, your partner shares that it is important for you two to spend more time alone together now that you share a home and that they feel de-prioritized by the time you spend with family and friends. To ensure that your partner feels prioritized and secure enough, you limit your time with family and friends and eventually only see them a few times a year.
The Green Light and Red Flag in This Relationship:
The second scenario speaks to manifested insecurity after a life transition. Your green light is prioritizing your partner’s comfort while their red flag is isolating you from your loved ones. A healthy partner values that you each need time to bond with all of the supports in your lives, separately and together.
Relationship Scenario Three:
In scenario three, you and your partner have been married for a few years and have two children together. You have been struggling with your mental health for several years and your spouse has been a constant support. Over time, you live within the comfort of your boundaries and accept your perceived limitations. Your partner fills in the gaps and ultimately communicates caregiver fatigue and concern for how much you have limited yourself. You internalize this and begin to wonder how long your spouse has been burdened by you. Your partner tries to reassure you and offers to explore resources so that you both feel supported.
The Green Light and Red Flag in This Relationship:
In the last scenario, the ways in which you fragilize yourself due to your mental health condition is the red flag while your spouse’s attempts at empowering you are the green lights. While a strong marriage is not always 50-50, it is also not sustainable for one spouse to be carrying the entire load alone. Consistent communication of how to support each other is crucial for resilience within marriage.
Relationship success is not about either of you being perfect.
As you increase awareness of your needs in a relationship, remember to practice mindfulness of your partner’s response to them. Note that it is not about either of you being perfect in your relationship. Rather, it is about working together to get it right most of the time and to remain open to improvement the rest of the time.
If you and your partner are having trouble communicating and identifying red flags in your relationship, considering Couple’s Therapy can help.
